Becoming Beyond the Rescuer: A Dialogue on Protectors, Power, and Liberation

April 1, 2026

Authors: Rito Martinez and Dr. Dominica

Rito Martinez is an extraordinary love practitioner and coach who supports leaders in growing as whole human beings…people who lead not just with skill, but with heart, integrity, and alignment with their deepest values. In this April blog, we enter into a profound and honest conversation about our collective becoming, exploring the roles we unconsciously take on and how they can quietly interfere with our power, our relationships, and one another’s agency. Together, we reflect on what it means to step out of these patterns and into a more spacious, responsible, and life‑affirming way of being with ourselves and each other.

Image portraying the journey of transformation from Shiree Teng and Sammy Nunez’s brown paper, Measuring Love in the Journey for Justice

Dominica:

Rito, you always amaze me with the depth and wisdom you bring into each space we share. When you reflected on your partner’s grief after losing her father and moving through illness and pain, I felt myself contract at the thought of that level of suffering. But what stood out most was your response. You offered compassion without rescuing. You allowed her to experience her healing without interruption or attempts to ease it. That is difficult, yet profoundly necessary.

In a past leadership training, we learned about the drama triangle: the perpetrator, the rescuer, and the victim. Each role pulls us away from responsibility. The perpetrator blames, the rescuer disempowers by preventing others from taking responsibility, and the victim blames life or others for their circumstances. These roles are easy to slip into, even when our intentions are good.

What you did was different. You stepped away from rescuing and honored her dignity and her process. You created the space for her strength to emerge. You allowed her movement through darkness toward her own light. How did you learn to hold space like that?

Rito:

It has taken years of unlearning. I have come to understand my protectors, the parts of me shaped in moments of trauma, loss, and survival. They were gifts, inherited or forged, meant to help me cope.

One of my protectors formed when I was about seven. I wanted my mother to comfort me, but I knew she couldn’t. Instead of facing the pain of her not coming, I decided to rescue her. I became the caretaker. That role kept people from getting close enough to disappoint me. Over time, it shaped how I related to others.

Awareness came from therapy, mistakes, failed relationships, ceremony, community, prayer, and love. Eventually, I thanked my protector and began letting it go. I realized it was keeping me from the intimacy I longed for.

Recently, during a ceremony, I reflected on who I was when my partner lost her mother twelve years ago. I felt constricted and caught in rescuing. This time, after her father’s passing, I noticed I felt spacious. Present. Grounded. I trusted her inner resources. I was not the rescuer but a loving witness. It felt expansive, aligned, and liberating.

It reminds me of community work. We walk beside, not in front.

How does this resonate with you personally and organizationally?

Dominica:

It resonates deeply. Realizing that rescuing protects us, not others, shifted so much for me. My rescuer emerged when I was two. I walked into our dim apartment and saw my mom crying over the end of her marriage. My helplessness turned into protection. I began trying to rescue her, even though she did not need rescuing. That pattern followed me into leadership, therapy, and community work.

As I became aware of it, I learned to temper it and eventually release it. What supported that change was a belief in the full agency and wisdom of others. If I guide their way instead of them, I stand in their way. The same is true in organizations. When we see our teams as whole and capable, the rescuer becomes unnecessary. We walk together in power.

Hopes and Invitations for You

• May you remember your agency. We all have the power to do our internal work and release our protectors from a place of compassion rather than self-judgment.

• May you imagine communities where no one needs to be rescued and everyone’s agency is honored. These spaces are where healing, restoration, liberation, and shared becoming take root.

• May you free yourself from roles that constrict your creativity, your imagination, and your capacity to dream and build differently.

3 Simple Practices for Your Becoming

1. Notice your protectors and trace their origins.

Ask what these protectors might be keeping you from.

2.Write a letter

Write a letter to your protector to honor its purpose and release what no longer serves you.

3. Practice letting go

Practice thanking your protectors and letting them go.

Bringing It All Together

Collective growth and becoming invite us to notice when we slip into drama, avoid our power or responsibility, or unintentionally hinder each other’s agency. When we commit to seeing the truth, including recognizing ourselves and one another as radiant beings, each with unique brilliance and capacity to grow and share, we create space to honor this shared journey called life.

By practicing this perspective, we uplift not only ourselves but the entire community, fostering a culture where everyone’s gifts are celebrated and our collective experience is truly honored.

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